What writing style?

People often ask me (okay, I ask me) what is the key to your success in the literary field? I mean you’ve done it all; how are you able to humble litterocracy like you do? Well it’s simple Timmy… I don’t know what I’m doing. Here’s some tips on how to write like a novice.

First, have at least 6 family members and friends who are so bored that they’ll read anything. Without that you’re just whistling in the dark and should get a hobby like cigarette butt collecting or binge watch the latest HBO series ‘Salmon fishing in your pool’.

Second, lose your fear of the semicolon; it is used to separate 2 random thoughts in the same sentence because you’re too lazy to hit the Capitals button and start a new sentence. Then there is the hyphenated-word. Indispensable when making up a word and joining 2 ideas that should be a word like, slickety-cat. That is a cat that has just spilled coffee on your laptop and you’re trying to strangle him, slickety-cat (ooo, I could be a teacher next or a smart-ass blogger). See how I adroitly added another you know what.

Thirdly, throw out the dictionary.  I don’t use any technical mumbo-jumbo  (ha, another one) to make sense of what I’m writing. I can’t even spell dictionary; or thesarious. My one exception is spell-check (the hits just keep on coming) which is really good for a laugh, especially on the made up words. I could spellchecker all day (see what it did there?).

And third from lastly, you will need an uninhibited and open spouse. I’m lucky that Carol is always saying “Dear, please spill your guts about our personal lives and empty that already past due date cranium of yours to all the people that we know, pretty please’.  In actuality she is a cross between Miss Manners and the NSA,  no secrets ever released… EVER or ‘I will emasculate you with a garden trowel’ (I look down and think ‘didn’t you already do that when I told my bowling league about that nasty infection you had last year?’). There is no real reason to delve into complex couples issues other than with my therapist so we’ll just focus on me. I’m my favourite person anyways.

Second from lastly, you Ned (haha, stupid spell-check, I meant nerd)  to lose your desire for sleep. Almost all of my missives are concocted post daytime after the little missus has put her head to pillow. She feels the need to “see” stuff and “experience” things and “make memories” (usually behind a glass of wine) when life is going on; and she has a death grip on my arm (my writing arm) so there’s no opportunity to bring out our (my) tablet during the day.

Lastly, there is no lastly. This is a work-in-progress and I don’t edit anything,  I haven’t figured out how to bold or italicize words yet but by the end of the trip I will be a regular Walter Kronkite (did I mention that I won that King of Parentheses award)?

So follow those 7, 9, 5 easy steps and you too could one day be sitting poolside drinking a Rusty Grasshopper and figuring out cloud images overhead in an alcoholic haze. Adios amigos and amigas from hot and sunny Barcelona.